It's been five years.

It’s Been Five Years.

A comic monologue.

I met that girl the other day. The one that I convinced myself I was in love with. The one who would draw whiskers on her face when she was drunk. Rebecca. Jesus it was weird. I seen her and she seen me. We both knew we’d seen each other and we had that moment of panic. That precious few seconds where we are both intently watching each others body language and weighing up who is going to greet the other. Weighing up whether a greeting is going to occur at all and assessing whether or not we can blank each other. We both came to the conclusion that the blank was out of the question. So then, it was the Mexican stand-off. Who was going to crack? Not me! I’m not going to say hello, I am never going to say hello. In fact I might never say hello again.

‘Hello there stranger.’ I say losing every shed of dignity I ever possessed. And what is with the stranger? I sound like a cowboy yet to master the howdy. I know then that it’s the stop and chat. This isn’t a passing moment. It is most definitely the stop and chat. I feel my feet stop moving and I stand to attention. That confirms it. This is a stop and chat for sure. If I where to become mobile again now I would surely look like some sort of low to mid level mentalist.

‘Jesus, it must be…’ I hesitate. I know for a fact that it has been four years, eight months, three weeks, four days, seven hours and twenty three minutes since I kicked you out of my house. We’ll round it up to five years though. Just to sound a little less mental. ‘Five years!’

‘Yeah, something like that.’ She pauses.

She could move now. She could say, ‘Well, I have to go.’ She won’t though. She’ll be intent on torturing me. She was always intent on torturing me, even when we where together. Even when I thought I loved her. Even when I thought I didn’t love her as much but still cared about her. Even when I was pretending to like her even though I realised she was a repugnant little creature. Even when I found out she fucked another guy when she was drunk. Even when I told her to get the fuck out my house and never darken my door again! Even then! Even fucking then! She was intent on torturing me. Well it’s not going to work darling. I am going to stand here as nice as you like and let you know how amazing my life is now!

‘Sorry, any other day I’d have chatted for a while, but I’m running late. I’m meeting my fiancé for Lunch.’

I cannot believe it! She hit me with a surprise torture. A covert torture. The worst fucking kind of torture that could have been bestowed on me. I prepared myself for a different style of torture then she hits out with this torture! I should have been ready for anything. I’ve forgotten how cunning she can be! And what is the deal with mentioning the fiancé! I didn’t need to know that. She could have said friend. Even boyfriend, but no! I get hit with fiancé. She has some nerve. I really should let her have it. Let her know that I despise her. I burn effigies of her. I spit at the mention of her name. I should let her know that I hate her!

‘Yeah, no worries. We really do need to catch up though. No hard feelings!’

Look at her. Walking away. Her perfect peach shaped behind. Her flowing hair…If I where to call after her I could tell her that I think I still might love her. I could tell her that I could make her happy this time! That I wouldn’t drive her into the arms of another man. That I am different. I’m not as needy. I’m not as dependent. I am not a dog. I am a cat. I’ll act like I don’t give a fuck but I’ll kill a bird and drag it into the front room to show you I love you. No! I can’t keep doing this. She is poison. She’s venom. She’s…Beautiful. She’s gone now. Out of sight out of mind.

It’s been five years. Why do I still do this to myself? It’s been five years. It’s been five years…